January 2009
baby slept from 12am to 5am, longest stretch yet. It is 5:30am, I am up because I am not used to sleeping so long. The baby had such a hard day. In the afternoon I just broke down and began crying. When I was crying Asher said, "what is wrong mommy?" I said, "you both just need so much from me" he said "I don't need anything mommy, I will just sit here and keep you company" It was so sweet it just made me cry harder. Could be hormones. But also I was exhausted, could not calm the baby, (she was really clawing at me with her sharp nails) and before Asher decided he did not need anything he was demanding more milk, and attention and a certain tv show and a pear and an apple cut a certain way. My back ached as I could not put the baby down. Also I had someone help clean the house yesterday for the first time in a month. I desperately wanted to get the house clean just so I could look at it that way for a little while. I became obsessed, cleaning behind the house cleaner while wearing the baby in a sling. We had dust and papers everywhere. Toys in every corner of the house, Asher's art creations (including an igloo made out of sugar cubes and a gingerbread house from art camp), clothing, dishes..........I was certain I could get it clean. But the baby would need to nurse, and when Asher got home with me at 12:30, he systematically began messing things up again. I couldn't clean and became more and more desperate to clean. I realize when the house gets cleaned I need 1. the house cleaner and 2. another person to help me with the children. Then I feel ridiculous. People must do this without help. Why do I need help?
Okay, I will try to sleep,
Julie
baby slept from 12am to 5am, longest stretch yet. It is 5:30am, I am up because I am not used to sleeping so long. The baby had such a hard day. In the afternoon I just broke down and began crying. When I was crying Asher said, "what is wrong mommy?" I said, "you both just need so much from me" he said "I don't need anything mommy, I will just sit here and keep you company" It was so sweet it just made me cry harder. Could be hormones. But also I was exhausted, could not calm the baby, (she was really clawing at me with her sharp nails) and before Asher decided he did not need anything he was demanding more milk, and attention and a certain tv show and a pear and an apple cut a certain way. My back ached as I could not put the baby down. Also I had someone help clean the house yesterday for the first time in a month. I desperately wanted to get the house clean just so I could look at it that way for a little while. I became obsessed, cleaning behind the house cleaner while wearing the baby in a sling. We had dust and papers everywhere. Toys in every corner of the house, Asher's art creations (including an igloo made out of sugar cubes and a gingerbread house from art camp), clothing, dishes..........I was certain I could get it clean. But the baby would need to nurse, and when Asher got home with me at 12:30, he systematically began messing things up again. I couldn't clean and became more and more desperate to clean. I realize when the house gets cleaned I need 1. the house cleaner and 2. another person to help me with the children. Then I feel ridiculous. People must do this without help. Why do I need help?
Okay, I will try to sleep,
Julie
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